True Confessions of a Recovering HATER : Part I
Although I am not a YouTube junkie, if I come across a video series, something compels me to watch them all. Three hours later I’m wondering where the time went. This happened recently when I stumbled across Sarah Jake’s Lost and Found Webisodes.
Immediately, I was captivated by her very bold and raw truth. Sarah’s story was intriguing: daughter of world renowned T.D. Jakes, pregnant at 13, and divorced. Initially, I was lured by curiosity, but I was soon gripped by a confession we both shared.
In episode 7 Sarah was the featured speaker at a Sister Accord Luncheon in Atlanta, Georgia. After the introductory bio was read she began her talk with a surprisingly honest statement.
“. . . I am a reformed hater . . . I had this thing when I was younger – because I was so insecure . . . – that I tried to pick out (the) flaws (of) other people. . . Someone just couldn’t have it all together. . . I had to find a way to knock them down. . . It was something that I dealt with for a very long time. . . My own personal struggle with loving myself made me create these different issues that I saw with other young women. And it wasn’t until much later in life that I realized, it really wasn’t anything wrong with them (but) there was a lot wrong with me.”
Sarah’s confession provoked me to deal with the truth. I was a hater – not yet reformed. And the source of my hate was insecurity.
Insecurity in a woman has many root causes; one of those is the absence of the father in a girls life. Author and psychologist, Dr. James Dobson says, “a daughter’s sense of self-worth and confidence is linked directly to her relationship with her dad. What he thinks about her and how he expresses his affection is a central source of her perceived value as a human being.” My own battle with insecurity drove me to secretly tear other women down in order to build myself up.
Ironically, I’ve been on the receiving end enough to understand the need to eradicate this behavior. I remember being an impressionable freshmen in college experiencing this painful tactic first hand. I made a comment to a woman I deemed pretty popular on campus. Trying to make conversation I said, “I have those shoes.” Her response was, “Are your’s Nine West (the less expensive brand)?” “Yes,” I replied. To which she responded, “Mine are Via Spiegel.” And then there was silence.
I call it nice nasty, but I can’t even begin to judge her because I have done it too. In fact some of mine have been worse. My dirt has been done in secret in an effort to maintain a good Christian persona.
In her book, So Long Insecurity, Beth Moore describes the painful ramifications of living like this. “Insecurity will rob us of some of the richest woman-to-woman relationships of our lives. It turns potential friends into competitors. It can also cause us to pursue associations out of some unwell or impure motives.”
I don’t want to spend my life seeking a quick low- self esteem fix by competing with women I could be friends with.
The only reason I would compete with another woman’s beauty, career, home, number of degrees and the like, is because I do not know who I am. And the truth is, who I am is much larger than the way I look in a bathing suit, the neighborhood I live in, or the brand of shoes I’m wearing.Who I am is defined by my Creator.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139: 13 – 14
But if I’m honest I will admit that I’ve known that scripture for a long time and still returned to the detrimental behaviors of comparison, envy, jealousy, and coveting throughout my walk with Jesus. So what is the solution? What can a professed hater do to change? In my own recovery journey I have found 10 steps to be helpful.
10 Steps to Becoming a Reformed Hater
Step 1: Own My Truth
Step 2: Celebrate the Success of Others
Step 3: Refuse to Compare
Step 4: After You Own It Confess It Too
Step 5: Do the Introspective Work
Step 6: Be Changed By God’s Word
Step 7: Have Brutally Honest Communication with God Often
Step 8: Be Thankful
Step 9: Pray It Forward
Step 10: Fight For It
In saying steps, I don’t want to give you the impression that the journey has been linear. On the contrary, in my step following, I have jumped around, avoided, faked a few, and started over a bunch. But even with my disorganized implementation, these steps have been powerful in my life. Though not a guarantee for instant change they have significantly aided my transition from a hater in recovery to one that’s on the road to reformation. Join me in the coming weeks as I unpack each of them.
Being so honest and open is never easy. Thank you for showing me that I need focus less on my insecurities and more on Christ. I look forward to the rest of your posts on this subject. Thanks again.
Thank you for your words Celi! I think it is awesome to know that we have the promise of Christ’s strength being made perfect in our weakness. Be blessed and bold. – Kia
Kia, this is so raw and beautiful. I love that you are owning up to your past behavior and are willing to put in the work to change it. May God continue to bless you in this quest!
Thank you Brandi. I hope other women will be encouraged by my less than perfect walk with Christ. He empowers me to share the unlovely parts of my journey. Be blessed! – Kia
Beautiful Kia. You’re brave and very “real” for putting it out there. I’ve worn similar shoes. They’re an ugly pair. Thankfully Jesus has the Cinderella slippers. Go Jesus! I see you have a pair as well. You go, girl. #WriteOn #JesusGirl.
#RaRaLinkup
Kristi, I love the imagery of Cinderella slippers. What a lovely way to describe what Christ gives us in exchange for the tattered and torn shoes we give Him. I so appreciate your words Kristi! Be blessed. – Kia
Always so good to read “real” stories, Kia. You are on your way to ever greater freedom in Christ, a deepening understanding of how crazy in love with you He is and how precious you are simply because you’re “Daddy’s baby girl” !!! Hugs and cheers from #RaRaLinkup
I Love your words Sheila. Be blessed! – Kia
I’m glad I stopped by from the Equipping Godly Women link up! It is so edifying to know that I’m not the only one struggling with insecurity and how it makes me respond to others. I look forward to seeing how you unfold these truths.
I think insecurity is more common than we know but it is not something women readily share. My favorite scripture is Philippians 1: 6 “Being confident that HE who begun a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus!” He is not through with us yet! Be encouraged and be blessed – Kia
I noticed your post on Sandra’s linkup and had to come read this. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. When I was in college, I remember being on a date at a football game. Because I was insecure, I began making little cunning comments about the other girls at the game. My date finally looked over at me, and said, “Gee, I hope you don’t talk about me like that.” I then realized what I had been doing, and was silent the rest of the night. Needless to say that was our last date. It was a good lesson , though. I did not want to be that person, and I was careful about making casual remarks about casual observations of others to feed my ego from then on. We all deal with this at some point. But, truly, when I gave my life completely over to Christ at 20 all of my insecurity and battles with depression left. He changed me and my life. I know others still struggle with those emotions in their faith walk, which I why appreciate you sharing your story. I know it will be very helpful to many.
Thanks Gina. What an awesome testimony of God’s ability to make us WHOLE. May it be an encouragement to many. Be blessed! – Kia
I too have been a hater !!! But not for the same reason. I’ve had to fight hate because of deep past hurts. I watched the person who hurt me just continue walking as if nothing every happened. Still today they have glossed over what transpired. I had to learn to give it to God (sometimes many times a day) and let the keeper of the books handle the situation. My real turn around came when I realized that God loved them too – just as much as me. Blessings for sharing.
Mary thank your for your transparency. You have definitely unearthed another area as it relates to being a HATER. The sometimes difficult truth is Christ died for all, including the person with whom we have been jealous of or the person we haven’t forgiven yet. Thank you again for your words. Be blessed! – Kia