4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father Part III
“I handed him the divorce papers and he just signed them,” she said. “He didn’t even fight for me.” With tremendous disappointment my friend questioned the behavior of her ex but I understood his actions with laser sharp clarity.
Have you ever seen a discouraged man?
A man beaten and bruised by the traumas of life?
A man so discouraged he avoids eye contact fearing he might see the shame he has for himself in the eyes of the onlooker?
A man so broken he finds it easier to give up rather than try?
I have. In the gaze of the homeless man on the exit ramp, in the countenance of a church member, and even in the eyes of my own father, I have seen it. Discouragement consumes a man’s view so that he cannot see the needs of anyone else but himself.
It is a silent and selfish killer, lending itself to depression, addictions and sometimes death. Discouragement destroys relationships: severing the ties of men with the children who love them. With blinding intensity discouragement prevents a man from seeing the gaping father shaped void in his own kids.
And so he drifts through life mindlessly throwing salt on pre-existing daddy wounds with his absence or lack of involvement. For men, who processes internally this can go on for months, years, and even a lifetime undetected. Author and pastor T. D. Jakes describes his own bout with depression in his book, “He-motions: Even Strong Men Struggle.”
“ I experienced a powerful depression a few years ago. I would come home after church and sit in the dark and weep. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. I had lost my joy. I realized that I didn’t know who I was apart from the roles I fulfilled: husband, father, son, brother, pastor, bishop, businessman, employer, on and on. But who was I? “ He goes on to say, “ . . . I didn’t know how to break out of this cocoon of imprisonment, didn’t know how to ask for help. I only knew that the water was boiling and that my soul was seared with scorching pain and that my cries were inaudible to human ears.”
Jakes’ candid retelling of his struggle with depression was eye opening. His experience validates the truth that discouragement does not discriminate and will visit every man at some point in his life. I’ve seen it happen subtly and over time with the successive and unexpected blows that life brings.
A Bad Business Deal
An Addiction
Death
Perpetual Unemployment
Infidelity
Rejection
& Childhood Hurts
These injuries slowly chip away at the strength of a man rendering him broken and withdrawn. And it is in the place where he escapes to the cave that brings him solace and alienates his loved ones. This is how he can easily absolve himself of responsibility and guilt.
Acknowledging despair in a man’s life does not justify his absence in the lives of his offspring, but is does offer a new lens through which to view him. He, like me, is a human being capable of inflicting the hurt he bares in his soul on others.
As children we erroneously believed that our parents should be flawless in every way. But our parents are people. Life and maturity teach us to offer them the grace we will one day need ourselves.
Acceptance of this reality has the potential to stop us from placing expectations on men who are not able to fulfill them. Unrealistic expectations damage relationships. We must surrender our desires to God in prayer, because He alone can do something about them.
In saying this I realize turning to an invisible God may appear to be the short end of the stick, but it is not. Our finite understanding of God does not limit His infinite ability to love us.
He knows how you have longed to connect with your father.
He is keenly aware of the wounds you carry.
He sees every disappointment.
Be willing to take a risk. Expand the list of things God is concerned about to encompass the intimate details of your soul. In doing so, you will delve into a deeper relationship with the God of the universe: enabling Him to father you in ways your daddy didn’t.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5: 7
Lots of interesting stuff here as I read it, and pondered on different men I’ve known wondering what might have been an issue.
Debbie, I used to always view this issue from a one sided perspective but there are so many factors that affect why a man may choose not to father his children. Thanks for joining the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia
Good thoughts here- it’s true there is often a lot more to people’s behaviour and attitudes than there appears to be when we just look at it on the surface. Looking deeper can help us understand more. I agree that changing our expectations is really important and prevents a lot of disappointment.
Lesley recently posted…August Playlist And Guest Post Opportunity
Lesley it’s taken me years to learn this truth. There is great wisdom in getting understanding. Thanks for joining the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
Kia,
I have loved this series so much. You have done a beautiful job of giving both perspectives, but ultimately a perspective of hope! Thanks you for sharing hope alongside me at ##MomentsofHope!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Lori,
It has certainly been my pleasure. Thanks for joining the conversation once again. As always, be blessed! – Kia
Love how you put it! “Our finite understanding of God does not limit His infinite ability to love us.” So often we fail to recognize the greatness of God because of our own frailty. Thanks for sharing at the #LMMLinkup.
Leslie recently posted…Literacy Musing Mondays Linkup + $30 Paypal Cash Giveaway Reminder
Leslie, sometimes I forget this truth but it remains a constant. Thanks for joining the conversation today and be blessed! – Kia