4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father (Part I)

It’s hard to imagine why a man would not father his child.  I can still remember the Cheshire cat grin that spanned the width of my husband’s face when he found out we were pregnant with our first child.  I have watched this same excitement dictate his engagement in the lives of our boys.

For some men the sheer joy and privilege of being a father seems to permeate their existence and for others the mere thought of bringing a life into this world doesn’t seem to impact them at all.  Why is that?  What would compel one man to run towards the challenge of raising the next generation and another to run from it?  

Further complicating this understanding is the realization of what happens in the life of the child when daddy leaves.  In his book, “The Secrets Men Keep”, Stephen Arterburn shares these troubling statistics from The National Fatherhood Initiative. “Children who live absent from their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor; to use drugs; to experience educational, health, emotional, and behavioral problems; to be victims of child abuse; and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.”

How could any man not father if he knew his decisions would make his child more susceptible to the above outcomes?  Although the reasons are as vast as they are complex, a father’s lack of involvement in the life of his child communicates one thing, rejection.

  She assumes there must be something wrong with me.  I am not pretty, smart, accomplished, athletic, etcetera enough, because if I was, daddy would pursue me.  This is what author and psychologist, Bill Gillham had to say in his book, “Lifetime Guarantee”.  

“Little kids spell love t-i-m-e.  “Spend time with me,” their words and actions cry out.  “If you don’t spend time with me,” they reason, “then whatever you do spend time with is worth more to you than I am.  Therefore, I am worth less than that is.  Therefore, I am worthless.”  It matters not how you ignore the child.  You can do it by working all the time, golfing all the time, soul-winning all the time, or you can be at home but just never interact with him.  The emotional results will usually be the same.  He’ll (she’ll) feel worthless.”

Although it is difficult to grasp why any father would opt out of his daughter’s life, exploring the possible reasons why helps women relinquish the burden of believing the lack of relationship is their fault. Over the next few weeks I will unpack 4 reasons why men don’t father.

Recently, the National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI) published a blog post entitled “ How to Address the Biggest Barrier to Dad’s Involvement”.  This article focused on a 2015 report that is part of an ongoing study of the Parents and Children Together (PACT) evaluation.   The study interviewed low-income dads from four programs in different parts of the country.

Research from this study indicated one of the largest barriers to a father’s involvement was gate keeping on the part of the mother.  Maternal gate keeping involves the actions of the mother that hinder co-parenting.  For many mothers, the reasoning for the separation between her and the birth father may make it difficult to trust the father with their children.

I am not referring to fathers who dress the child in a mismatched clothes or forget to cut the edges off the PB&J sandwiches.  I am primarily referring to situations of substance abuse, sexual addictions, affairs, and any situation where the child could be in danger.  As a 15 year educator I saw this in the lives of my students, I have witnessed this in the ongoing challenges of my divorced peers and I have experienced it as a child who grew up in a single parent household.  

I have early memories of supervised visits with my father in a room the size of a cubicle.  Although these visits were not the ideal, I am grateful for those short lived connections with my dad. Unlike another remedy, the effect of Valium from https://mi-aimh.org/buy-valium-10-mg/ manifests itself more slowly – the pain goes away in 3-4 days. But sleep is restored with lightning speed.  Which is why I maintain, some (safe and healthy) father involvement is better than no involvement at all.

In looking at maternal gate keeping there are several things to consider.

• If you are a daughter who was not fathered, know that it was not your fault.  Choose to surrender that undue weight today.  

• If you are a mother separated from the birth father, choose not to be a gatekeeper.  With wisdom, allow your children to have a relationship with their fathers.
• If you are a father realize there are major consequences to your absence in your child’s life.
• If you find yourself in a seemingly impossible situation, whether you are the mother, father, or a child sandwiched in the middle, know that God is just a prayer away.  He is able to comfort you and guide you through the murky waters of difficult family relationships.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,  and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5 – 6 (NIV)

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