4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father (Part II)

“I hate him,” a reader said to me as she described her father.  She went on to say, “I don’t forgive him for abandoning me and making me feel neglected. . . I do not forgive him for forgetting he had a child and moving on with his life.  I can’t forgive him.”

In the court of popular opinion her sentiments are justified.  Any man who willingly chooses to abdicate the responsibility of fathering his child is wrong. There are no excuses that would substantiate this behavior.

In saying that, as a woman who grew up with few and sporadic interactions from her biological dad, I can say examining the reasons why men don’t father has broadened my perspective.  According to a running survey on my blog, 30% of respondents indicated their father was not fathered.  This is not to provide a lifetime alibi for men who have chosen to remain absent in the lives of their daughters, but it is to say this reality demands closer introspection.

What happens when a boy is not fathered?

Who answers his questions about manhood?

Responsibility?

Women?

Sex?

Parenting?

I would venture to say he becomes a scavenger: picking up bits and pieces of what it means to be a man from his culture.   Webster’s defines culture as the behaviors, beliefs, and characteristics of a particular social, ethnic, or age group.  So his success as a father is determined by who or what he is influenced by.  If his culture dictates misogyny, multiple sex partners, abandonment, alcoholism, or the like, that is what he will live out.  

Is it any wonder that 1 in 3 children grow up in father absent homes?  Many men don’t father because they have not been fathered.  Author and pastor T. D. Jakes had the following to say in his book, “He-Motions: Strength for Men, Solutions for Women”.

“Without the legacy of fatherhood, many men today are at a loss as to how to fulfill that role.  The mere passage of time takes a boy and makes him grow, but he has no guidance in how to become a man.  Biology enables him to make babies, but he has no idea how to father them.”

John Eldridge, author of “Wild at Heart” says the following  in talking about manhood.

“Masculinity is bestowed.  A boy learns who he is and what he’s got from a man, or the company of men.  He cannot learn it any other place.  He cannot learn it from other boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women.  The plan from the beginning of time was that his father would lay the foundation for a young boy’s heart, and pass on to him that essential knowledge and confidence in his strength.“

Unfortunately, many father son relationships do not reflect this ideal:  leaving men with daddy wounds of their own.  Stephen Arterburn, author of “The Secrets Men Keep” has the following to say about the wounds of a man.,

“There are millions of walking wounded men in our culture who never received from their fathers the love, truth, and affirmation they needed. It happened that I had a long stressful period in my life, then circumstances became even more complicated, and I realized that I cannot cope with depression myself. The therapist has prescribed me Klonopin at https://mi-aimh.org/klonopin-online-1-mg/ against a background of complaints on a bad sleep.  They were raised by fathers who were raised by fathers who were raised by fathers. . . who were not equipped to reproduce healthy and whole young adults and release them into the world.  There are open wounds and and sores that must be healed and closure that must be gained in order for the cycle of dysfunction to be stopped.  Men who are not loved by their fathers cannot love their own children.”  

In no way does this knowledge justify the behavior of men who do not father.  It does, however, grant us a new lens through which to view our daddies.  Thus we are enabled to see our fathers as human beings with their own set of hurts to overcome.

Though it seems logical to expect a father to father his children, he simply may not have the tools needed to do it.  Expecting him to do what he is incapable of doing will lead to disappointment.  When we recognizing a father’s wounds as the a potential reason he does not father it aids us in allow God to meet our needs; He is the only one capable of meeting them.   

If you carry an ache for your father’s love and affection take heart because God is capable of filling every void in your soul. 

Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

Psalm 27 : 10 (NIV)

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