4 Reasons Why Men Don’t Father Part IV

By nature I’m selfish. Born into this world the only child, only niece, and only grandchild didn’t help my plight any. Erroneously, I believed this great big world revolved around me.

Sometimes I still do.

I’m tempted, often, to believe the lie that says my needs, wants and expectations should take precedence over others. And though my egocentric start in life predisposes me to selfishness, I know the root cause of my behavior is sin.

Sin is self-serving and it exist in the heart of every human being. Our tailor made iniquity, is shaped by early experiences, personality, and environment. Recognizing the sinful state of mankind gives us yet another perspective through which to view our fathers.

Demanding, “Me first,” sin single handedly derails families; impacting the relationship men have with their children. Whether your father:  denied your existence, had an affair, lied habitually, made insensitive comments, or struggled with an addiction, the origin of his actions was sin. Author and pastor, T.D. Jakes describes a man’s struggle with sin the following way in his book, He-Motions: Even Strong Men Struggle.

“…Too often we make our bank accounts and our next sexual conquest our gods, living from dollar sign to decimal point, from flirtation to fornication. If we are not in pursuit of the one true Living God, then our idols and addictions will leave us as dehydrated on our life’s journey as drinking honey in the desert. “

Like hurdles on a track, barriers stand between a man and God. He must overcome his perspective, his flaws, and the opinions of others.  These obstacles push a relationship with God further out of reach.

Consequently, he may run as far away from God as he can get, avoiding or abandoning Him altogether. In doing so, he fails to realize his decision will impact every life he is connected to. especially his children.  This is not to say men without a relationship with God don’t father their children; many do.

It is to say that a genuine relationship with an unselfish God makes selflessness a reality in the heart of mankind.  He compels men who have stood on the sidelines of their children’s lives to get in the game. To the man overcome by sin He offers a yoke of freedom:  granting him the confidence he needs to engage in the life of his kids.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:  28 – 30 (NIV)

But in waiting on her daddy to follow God, many daughters loose hope, quit praying and stop believing in the power of an invisible God to do anything for her or her father.

Discouragement cloaks itself around a daughter who sees her father imprisoned by sin.  She longs to be in a relationship with him but can’t see past the seemingly insurmountable hurdles.  I am intimately acquainted with this blind-folded trapeze walk of faith.

Not knowing the outcome, I find refuge in prayer: clinging to the security of God’s presence in uncertain circumstances.  It is here I cry on the proverbial shoulder of the almighty God as he alters my viewpoint: enabling me to move beyond my self-centered outlook in order to see the private pain of my father.

His Hurts

His Failures

His Insecurities

His Sin

& His Need For God

As a result,  I pray all the more for my dad. Though difficult, I am confident prayer is a win win for the father and his daughter.  

 This is my suggestion to the daughter who says,

“I’m done loving my selfish father.”

“It is too painful.”

“I’m tired of the disappointment, rejection, and discouragement that seem to embody this relationship.”

I understand and I am sorry for the pain you’ve experienced.  But the reality is, even if you reside yourself to walk away outwardly, inwardly your heart never will completely.  We are wired to connect with our daddies. This is true for both our biological and heavenly father.

I admonish you not to give up on your dad because you may be the only person in his life who will pray for him. If you feel crushed under the weight of the pain he has caused surrender your ache to God.  Trust that as you pray for your father, and love him in ways he may not have loved you, God will meet your needs.

Believe that no matter the outcome, you will not walk away empty handed but filled beyond measure by the love of God.

 There are many reasons why a man chooses not to father his kids that have absolutely nothing to do with the kids themselves.  If this was your experience, embrace the truth that says before you were conceived you were loved, valued, and accepted by God.

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