3 Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Say, “Happy Father’s Day Mom”

The commercial began as a touching tribute. Gentle piano acoustics set a sentimental mood as women and men recounted stories of their single mothers.  

“My mom had to raise four kids by herself.”

“I’ve definitely seen her try to juggle ( being ) both mom and dad.”

“She did it all as though she were two people.”

I understood completely.  I too am a product of a single parent household, so as each person shared a different tale of their mother’s heroism I could relate.  This strong sense of comradery, however, was abruptly interrupted with these words,  “She is the most amazing mother but she was really an incredible father.”  

The piano played on in the background, but for me the record had been scratched.   I no longer had that warm feeling inside; it had been replaced with confusion.  Then, in the midst of my disorientation, each person concluded their expression of gratitude with the words, “Happy Father’s Day Mom”.  

I get it.

I too have watched my own mother shoulder parenting alone.   She worked a 9 to 5 making all ends meet, drove me around like Miss Daisy, and kept food in my belly.  Somehow she found time to attend every sporting event, extra curricular activity, and periodically serve as a room mom.  She did what was necessary to raise me, but no matter how hard she worked at being a mom it never made her a dad.

It never will; only men can be fathers.

And before you pull out your ammunition ready to aim, fire and shoot, hear me out.  I know this is truth not because I’ve researched it; although I have.  And it is not solely because my blog caters to women with father wounds; although it does.  I know this because I grew up with an ache for my father’s affection.

It was an ache that could not be filled with by the love of a mother but persisted in the presence of it.   I am not unique. This is true for every woman.  

There is a father shaped vacuum in the heart of a woman and when it is left vacant a crater-sized void widens on the inside of her soul.  Which explains why I periodically receive painful father daughter stories from women of all ages, races, and backgrounds.  Of these women no one has ever said, “ l’m okay with my father’s absence.”

Maybe this is because they know that personal and professional success in life does not invalidate the need for a father’s love.  The women that I interact with wholeheartedly communicate I needed my daddy and I still do.   

It is for this reason I would like to offer you 3 reasons why we shouldn’t wish mothers a Happy Father’s Day.

# 1 Fathers Meet Specific Needs in Daughters

In their book, “The Fatherless Daughter Project” Denna D. Babul, and Dr. Karin Luise, had this to say about father loss.

“The loss of a father can mean the loss of a playmate, protector, coach, toughen-upper, and first love.  That is too much loss for any girl to wrap her mind around completely.  Gone are the lessons a daughter is supposed to learn from her dad:  feeling worthy of love because she is unique, gaining confidence to succeed in a competitive world, and finding a secure understanding of how male-female relationships work.”

Author and psychologist Dr. James Dobson says the following in his book,   “Bringing Up Girls”.

“There is a place in the female soul reserved for Daddy, or a daddy figure, that will yearn for affirmation.  Not every girl or woman is the same, of course, but almost every girl desires a close bond with this most significant man in her life.  She will adore him if he loves and protects her and if she finds safety and warmth in his arms.  She will feel that way throughout life unless he disappoints her or until one of them dies.  She will tend to see all men through the lens of that relationship.  If he rejects and ignores her or worse, if he abuses and abandons her, the yearning within her becomes more intense, though it is often tainted with resentment and anger.

Fathers play a specific role in the life of their daughters. And even the greatest of mothers cannot compensate for an absent father. There are innate needs that will go unmet if he is not present.

# 2  It Won’t Change Your Story

It wasn’t stated, but nestled deep within the subtext of that commercial was an undertone of grief.  As I watched the men and women recount stories of their mothers I could hear the sorrow they felt in response to their father’s absence.  This sadness emanated from their words and fell from their eyes as tears.

Their emotion communicated an unspoken truth:  altering a national holiday won’t heal the emotional pain of growing up without your dad.  This act will only mask the lingering heartache that will eventually resurface.

Grief cannot be avoided; it must be confronted directly.  In order to heal, women must courageously acknowledge their father’s absence and how it impacted their lives.  

#3  There is Hope.

Growing up without a father would be a dismal reality had it not been for the selfless act of Christ.  Whether Christian or not we know the story; Jesus came to earth as God encased in flesh to die for the sins of all mankind.  But what He did is so much more than atoning for the sins of the human race.

No matter the circumstance we find ourselves in, Christ afforded us hope that would otherwise be nonexistent.  This hope is applicable to every daughter left wounded by her dad can know God as Father.

.” . .the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”  

Romans 8: 15b – 16 (NIV)

Faith in Christ simultaneously grafts us into the family of God: giving us access to God as our heavenly father.  And although it seems unfathomable to believe an invisible God can father mankind, it is true.  We see it said explicitly throughout the Bible.

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”

Psalms 68: 5 (NIV)

We do not have to fully understand the mysteries of the Bible in order for them to be true.  Truth exist in spite of our understanding.  I have seen this in my own life.

About 4 years ago I remember making a decision to trust in the unfathomable.  I was already a Christian but still wrestling with the idea of God being a father to me.  In the face of my doubts I decided to trust that the Bible was true.  

What I have discovered is that God is able to be a heavenly Father for us.  He can impart what we lacked  from our earthly father:  courage, confidence, security, and affirmation.

For this reason, I believe a decision to pursue a relationship with God is far better than denying the pain of an absent dad.  With God, we can face and overcome lingering father wounds. We can choose to see God as a Father worthy of saying Happy Father’s Day to instead of saying it to our single mothers.  

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