Why You Shouldn’t Give Him A Piece of Your Mind
As a woman obsessed with happy endings, I held onto a fantasy father I was never destined to have. He was an imaginary mix of TV dads from the 80s I wanted to magically manifest into my earthly father. It was foolish to expect my dad to be someone else, but I did for much of our relationship.
After years of distance, I thought reconnecting with him would be like making instant tea: just add water and voila. If I call, write, and pursue, eventually we will have the father daughter relationship I’ve longed for. I was wrong.
It took many years and some counseling to process my unrealistic expectations. As a part of that process, I had to learn to distinguish between a lie and the truth.
Lie: If my dad does not meet my expectations he does not love me.
Truth: Placing expectations on how my dad should love me can lead to disappointment. I must look to God to meet my need to be loved.
“And my God will meet all of your needs according to his riches in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:19 (NIV)
A few years ago my expectations became the root cause of an emotional meltdown experienced after calling my dad when he couldn’t talk. “I’ll call you back.” is what he said, but “I won’t call at all,” is what I heard. I felt rejected. I had been here before.
Rage and hurt birthed a child named insanity in a matter of minutes. And without countering my emotions with truth, I uttered those infamous words. “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.”
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”, a friend asked. Her words should have been the red-flashing-lights I needed to press the breaks and re-evaluate my decision – but I charged ahead. Irrate and overly delusional, I called my dad. I said several words I wish I could take back.
“You did not call me yesterday because I checked my caller ID and there were no missed calls!” “I did,” he calmly replied. But my words dominated the conversation and left no room for his. And I culminated my masterful soliloquy with a bold declaration, “ I will not be calling you anymore.”
Seriously, Kia?
In his strong thick accent, full of grace and humility, he responded, “Ok, goodbye and I love you.” We hung up the phone and I was smothered by silence. “Wait, don’t go! I really didn’t mean it,” I wanted to say – but didn’t.
And there I sat, miserable and crushed by the weight of the dial tone. Then – by divine inspiration – I got the bright idea to check my voicemail messages. There, sitting in my inbox was a missed call from my father the day before, “I called, but you weren’t there, I love you, dad”.
He had in fact called me the night before. I had no grounds for using what seemed to be an appropriate use of the phrase “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.” The frustration unleashed on my dad was undeserved .
“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”
Proverbs 16:18 (NIV)
He could have responded in anger but he chose mercy. Lovingly and with complete forgiveness my dad accepted the apology I gave him – just minutes after I released the floodgates of unbridled emotions through his cell phone. “Oh, it’s okay, everyone gets upset. Just remember we are blood and I will always love you.” I was speechless. (That’s saying a lot.) I gained a great deal of respect for my dad that day and I laid my fantasy father to rest.
These are the tough lessons learned.
- Unrealistic expectations damage relationships.
- Always distinguish between a lie and the truth of God’s word.
- No matter what, honor thy father!
(Ask God what that looks like for your father daughter relationship.)
- Trust God to meet my needs.
- Apologize when I am wrong.
- Practice applying 1 Corinthians 13: 4 – 8.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .”
- Be slow to speak.
- Check my visual voicemail messages and missed calls.
- Never use the phrase “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind” again.
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Well, said, Kia. I appreciate you sharing your painful lesson. What a blessing that God has given you a gracious Dad willing to restore the relationship when you repented. Visiting from Modesr Monday.
Abi @ Joy in My Kitchen recently posted…How To See A Bad Day As Holy To The Lord
Abi, thank you for your words. I hope you were able to glean a little something from my major mistake. Glad you joined the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia
Oh my gosh, I have SO been there! I wrestle with putting unrealistic expectations on other people (for me it’s mostly my husband) and then letting things blow up in my mind when they don’t meet those expectations. I’m so glad your dad was able to respond with grace and you were able to write out and describe this story in a way people like me can relate to!
Have a great rest of your week, Kia! Thanks for sharing!
Lauren English recently posted…How To Break Your Marriage Conflict Cycle
Lauren I’m so glad you were able to join the conversation. I think everyone struggles with unrealistic expectations (Don’t beat yourself up.) but they are such a cancer to our relationships. I pray both you and I will be able to counter the expectations we conjure up in our brain with the truth of God’s word. Be blessed! – Kia
Beautiful message and very moving…Fathers are priceless to their daughters, and yet our heavenly Father is the only one who can and will meet all our needs. I love that you called him back, and his response. Thanks for sharing Kia! #RaRaLinkup
Angela Parlin recently posted…When People Look Like Trees {RaRaLinkup}
Things could have definitely gone in another direction, so grateful they didn’t. Both my heavenly father and my earthly father were merciful to me. Glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
I believe any expectations on someone is damaging. Great post!
Brandi Clevinger recently posted…Loaded Hash Browns
Brandi this is that truth but it is so difficult to learn. I generally get lessons like this the hard way. So glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
Visiting from Women with Intention
Such a great post, we all at one time or the other had unrealistic expectations, but I think we all just need to take a step back and realize the degree of what we expect from people and if it’s a realistic one or not. Were you able to re-connect with your father after that phone conversation?
liz @ sundays with sophie
http://www.sundayswithsophie.com/2015/06/the-story-of-us.html
Liz Joiner recently posted…the story of us
Liz, we were able to connect after I scraped that last bit of my face off the floor. Pride truly does come before a fall. So glad God covered me. Thanks for joining the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
What a good word, Kia!
How easy it is to tear into our Dads and tell them exactly what we think!
Your post is a wonderful reminder to take a deep breath and try to show them respect and honor!
Thanks for sharing. I came over on the Works for Me Wednesday link up. Glad to find your site~
Blessings,
Melanie
Yes Melanie may we take a pause and think before we speak. The Bible commands honor with no caveat. Thanks for your feedback. So glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
LOVE the 10 takeaways at the end. Your father is the best. Even though you were off the hinges, he didn’t let your behavior influence his. Glad you both are back on track.
Stopping by from R&R
Yvonne Chase recently posted…Is It Harder To Be Single Or Harder To Be Married?
I was off the hinges Yvonne. Thank goodness God covers a multitude of foolishness! Glad you joined the conversation today. Be blessed! – Kia
Hi, Kia! I’m stopping by your place from Grace and Truth today. 🙂 I love how you exhort us to counter lies with truth. We cannot trust our feelings because they are fickle! This is a lesson I continue to learn. Well-written! 🙂
Jen @ Being Confident of This
Jen recently posted…The Growing Identity ~ Grace and Truth Week 25
Jen, I am working on debunking my lies with truth daily. Your description of feelings is being “fickle” is so spot on: up today and down tomorrow. I am glad you joined the conversation. Be blessed! – Kia